Today I’m Sad

I could have been six and a half weeks pregnant by now. It’s been over two weeks since my positive pregnancy test, and I still don’t know how to feel. I hate that I’ll never know if it was an early loss or a false positive. I hate that I’m so devastated, but I feel like I don’t have the right to grieve. I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t know why I can’t move on.

Some days have been good. I am able to brush off the sadness, telling myself it was just unlucky… That it’s no big deal. Most days I avoid thinking about it. I run from thoughts of babies and pregnancy. A few days I’ve found hope. Those days are positive. I tell myself that I’ll have a house full of children someday. I believe it. But today I’m sad. Today I’m thinking about what could have been… What should have been.

I could have been six and a half weeks pregnant.

I could have shared the news with my family.

I could have seen a tiny, tiny baby; heard a heartbeat.

But instead, I’ve just finished a round of progesterone.

Instead, I’m waiting for my period to come.

Instead, I’m preparing for more blood work and another appointment.

Instead, I feel empty.

I have hope that, someday, I will have children. I believe that my pain is not wasted. I trust that my miracle is on the way, and that my barrenness is ending as new life springs up. I know that soon I won’t feel empty anymore.

But today I’m sad.