The other night was a hard one. It was one of those instances where something sets you off, and a storm of negativity and hopelessness follows. With infertility comes so many strong emotions–uncontrollable at times. I’m sure someone can relate to not only having these negative emotions and all the hopeless thoughts that they bring, but also to feeling guilty and helpless to stop the feelings. In the middle of my breakdown, many lies entered my thoughts–and I knew that they were lies. But even though I knew it, I had a hard time remembering the truth. You see, just identifying the thoughts as lies is not enough. Those lies need to be shattered with the light, and replaced with the truth.
Here are some lies that infertility told me the other night:
There’s no point in tracking BBT/taking meds/etc.–you never ovulate anyways.
Nothing will ever change.
You don’t deserve to be a mom.
You would be a terrible mom.
You will never have children.
People think less of you because of your struggle.
Your husband would be better off without you.
You don’t deserve to grieve what happened in March/April.
Infertility is a punishment.
Your friends don’t really care about you.
God doesn’t love you.
You must have done something wrong to make God hate you.
Faith doesn’t matter.
You’re not a good enough Christian, and that’s why God won’t bless you like He has blessed all these other people.
That night, and many others like it throughout this journey, was filled with so much weeping it was hard to breathe. There have been many moments where I believed these lies. But as night turned to morning, I saw them for what they were. These kind of thoughts are not from God. Infertility is by far the most difficult and intense physical, mental, and spiritual battle that I’ve ever faced. The lies that infertility tell almost defeated me. But today, I’m preparing for the next attack. I am combating these lies with the truth:
Infertility says that you will never have children. Truth says that nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37-38)
Infertility says that you aren’t good enough, that you’re not doing enough, that you must be doing something wrong. Truth says that His Grace is sufficient, and that His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Ephesians 2:8-10)
Infertility tells you that everyone else can have children and you can’t because you don’t deserve to be a parent. Truth tells us that God gives childless couples children, and that He doesn’t play favorites. (Psalm 145:9, Acts 10:34-36, Psalm 113:4-9)
Infertility tells you that you are alone, and God doesn’t care about you. Truth shows us that Jesus is right along side us through the pain, and He hurts for us, with us. (John 11:33-36, Deuteronomy 31:6, Lamentations 3:22-24, 1 Peter 5:7, Isaiah 40:27-31)
These truths are not just comforting phrases–they are promises. They are assurance and steadiness that we can and should cling to when everything is falling apart. They are proof that these attacking thoughts of hopelessness, loneliness, and defeat are not from Him.
So I’m going to fill my home and my mind with these truths. I want to be surrounded by visible reminders of the truth, because I know that the hard days and nights will come again. I know that the lies will be whispered again. And when that happens I want to be prepared to shatter those destructive words with the light.