Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

Moving Forward

After years of not being able to ovulate, let alone get pregnant, 2017 was a year of solutions and answers (among other things). It was the year that I discovered the keys to balancing my hormones–Whole30 and Ovasitol. It was the year that we celebrated and lost three pregnancies. In a way, we had a lot of progress. Physically, I would feel better continuing to TTC right away. We’ve come so far–I don’t want to quit even for a few months. Emotionally, though, I know I couldn’t handle being pregnant again right now.

2017 was also the year I decided to go back to school. I got rid of my either/or attitude and realized that I can pursue a career and our children. Being pregnant while attending classes was not difficult. It was losing those pregnancies that made it difficult. Going through cycles of joy, grief, and anxiety while trying to maintain my grades just wasn’t working. So, we’re taking a break–at least throughout the spring semester.

It sucks to know that we won’t have a baby this year. It sucks to know that after a few months of taking a break, we still might not feel ready. But more prevalent than all the sucky-ness is a very real sense of relief that we won’t have to go through the uncertainty, anxiety, and grief of losing another baby. In that way, I am looking forward to taking this time to focus on other things, such as school, health, and my marriage.

I know it will be good for us, and I hope we’re able to find the healing we need. Because as much as we need this break, I already crave to be pregnant again–to have a little life growing. As terrifying as that will be, it’s worth every fear and worry just to have another chance at being able to have our children here with us.

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