• Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Even Now

    Hey, everyone! Just a quick update to say I have added a new design to Bonfire. This one will be available for 2 weeks and will also arrive in time for Mother’s Day. Click here or on the pictures to check it out! Here’s why I created this shirt: When I was going through my first miscarriage, I found great comfort in the story of Lazarus. Facing the death of her brother, Martha’s faith shone through as she told Jesus, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” (John 11:22 ESV). Even Now. Those words were what stood out to me. I prayed…

  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Every Mother Honored

    I never really thought much about Mother’s Day until we started trying to conceive. It was always a big deal, especially having grown up in church. Sermons were given on the importance of motherhood. Women who were easily identified as mothers were asked to stand. On the way out, flowers and candy were distributed to the worthy. It always seemed like a sweet, simple way to honor the mothers who do much thankless work, and it is. But as I struggled to conceive and carry a baby to term, it became apparent that Mother’s Day is anything but simple. Bitterness, shame, grief, regret, anger, disappointment, annoyance…these are the emotions that…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Reckless Love

    Around the time that Carl and I got engaged, there was a song I was drawn to, called “All of Me” by Matt Hammitt. I know it was written from a father to a child, but the message of commitment and selfless love made me think of our relationship. The first time I had Carl listen to it was in his driveway on a starry, snow-covered night. It played from my phone and we danced to the words, “You’re gonna have all of me, cause you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough–enough to mend your broken…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Fertility Products and Resources

    Ovulation Double Check by MFB Fertility

    I won an awesome giveaway from MFB Fertility during National Infertility Awareness Week, and I wanted to share a bit about the amazing, revolutionary product I received! This post is not sponsored. If you have PCOS, then you might know that traditional ovulation tests (OPKs) aren’t always reliable. I’ve not used OPKs in years, but when I did, they never worked for me. This is because women with PCOS often have high LH (the hormone that is measured by an OPK), without ovulation actually happening. This can be very confusing and frustrating when you’re TTC, especially if you have long cycles. That’s why I’m so glad that there’s a product…

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  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    On Taking A Break

    It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again. Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant. Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat……

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Our Baby Had A Heartbeat

    This has been the hardest week of my life. And I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. We had so much hope. We never thought we’d experience a third loss in a row. On December 18th, we had our first ultrasound. I was so nervous, and we were in the waiting room for over an hour. When we were finally called back, the ultrasound technician was so happy and positive. She was with us during our last loss, and it was obvious how excited for us she was. As the ultrasound began, I held my breath…but quickly exhaled when I saw a big black spot–the gestational sac!…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnancy Update: Weeks 5-6

    I’ve been finishing up the semester of school and working my way through finals, so it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I just turned into my 7th week yesterday, so I figured that now would be a good time to talk symptoms and other things before I forget. I’ll try to continue these updates weekly if I can, but for this post it’ll mostly just be catching up. So, where did I leave off? In my last post I shared about my confirmation appointment and my blood work results. Since then, nothing new has really happened, and I’ve just been counting down the days until the ultrasound. It’s really gone…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnant Again.

    There are so many couples who go years without ever seeing those two lines. There are so many couple who go years without answers. So many years of trial and error. Years of one failed treatment after another. We who have walked these roads have such an amazing community. There have been many cycles where the lovely people I met through the infertility community have kept me sane and encouraged me. But what happens when one of us finally cross over to the other side? When we finally get our miracle? For the most part, the infertility community is very supportive of those who are able to beat infertility. But…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage

    The Holidays After Miscarriage

    Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and the holiday season has been in full swing for a couple weeks now. Since my grandmother passed away nearly five years ago, this time of year has been hard. I still remember the last birthday we celebrated with her, just before she died. Traditions haven’t been the same since then, and the joy of the holidays have been tinged with a bit of sorrow. This year, though, I find that I’m having a much harder time than usual. There are a lot of family things going on right now that have put a damper on this holiday season. Everything seems to really be piling on, weighing…