• Grief,  Infertility,  Life After Loss,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A letter to myself, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

    A letter to myself. To the version of myself going through recurrent miscarriages: Let me just cut to the ending, because I know you can’t stand the suspense (if this were a movie, you’d be googling the plot by now): you have a son! He’s healthy, he’s alive… He’s here. Now that you know how this ends, let’s go back to where you are now. I see you, sitting on the floor of the porch. It’s nearly spring, but it’s cold. A mix of snow and rain coat every surface. You feel anything but cold, as hot tears fall. They won’t stop, and you don’t know if they ever will.…

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  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Even Now

    Hey, everyone! Just a quick update to say I have added a new design to Bonfire. This one will be available for 2 weeks and will also arrive in time for Mother’s Day. Click here or on the pictures to check it out! Here’s why I created this shirt: When I was going through my first miscarriage, I found great comfort in the story of Lazarus. Facing the death of her brother, Martha’s faith shone through as she told Jesus, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” (John 11:22 ESV). Even Now. Those words were what stood out to me. I prayed…

  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Every Mother Honored

    I never really thought much about Mother’s Day until we started trying to conceive. It was always a big deal, especially having grown up in church. Sermons were given on the importance of motherhood. Women who were easily identified as mothers were asked to stand. On the way out, flowers and candy were distributed to the worthy. It always seemed like a sweet, simple way to honor the mothers who do much thankless work, and it is. But as I struggled to conceive and carry a baby to term, it became apparent that Mother’s Day is anything but simple. Bitterness, shame, grief, regret, anger, disappointment, annoyance…these are the emotions that…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Thoughts After My Fourth Miscarriage

    I’m still in a bit of disbelief that this is our experience. It never gets easier, but I’ve grown and gained new understanding through each loss. These are some thoughts I’ve had while going through our most recent loss. On finding out From the moment I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time, I felt like I was holding my breath. I was hopeful and happy, but I was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted to stay positive, but my first thoughts weren’t “we’re having a baby in nine months.” My first thoughts were “I wonder how it will end this time.” This is…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A year ago I learned of you, a year ago I lost you.

    Last year, on October 2nd, I learned that you existed. I knew before I really knew. I knew that there would be two lines on the test. The two week wait turned into a three week wait as I tested negative again and again. I should have known it wasn’t a good sign. But I knew you were there, even before you made yourself known. And I had hope. During those weeks, I bought a maternity shirt that reads “baby”. I bought it right after getting another negative result. I don’t know why I did. But I wore that shirt to bed nearly every night. I wore a smile, too.…

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  • Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Desperate

    I have a confession. It’s something I’m not proud of. It’s something my husband doesn’t even know… I’ve taken just over 100 pregnancy tests since July. That wasn’t a typo. While it’s not an exact number, it’s not an exaggeration. One hundred pregnancy tests. In less than three months. In the TTC community, many of us joke around about being POAS (pee on a stick) addicts. My life since July, since we’ve started trying again, has been a scary version of that. I’m ashamed to even be admitting this, because I know how ridiculous it is. And let’s not even talk about how much money was wasted. A majority (75,…

  • Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  PCOS

    NIAW 2018 #flipthescript: At least…

    Unfortunately, this year pregnancy loss became part of our journey. For years, all I wanted was to see those two pink lines. When I finally did, it was a huge victory. I had some of those “at least” thoughts, too…I was relieved to know it was possible. But, please, listen when I say that there is NOTHING comforting or reassuring about losing every baby you conceive. Yes, our losses gave us some information, but they left us with even more questions, grief, and fear. There is no “at least”.

  • Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  PCOS

    NIAW 2018 #flipthescript: You Can’t Have Kids

    It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and this year’s theme is #flipthescript! So I’m going to be sharing a bit about some common misconceptions about infertility that I’ve encountered this past year. “…Since you can’t have kids” I don’t even remember the whole conversation that occurred when these words were said to me, but they echo in my mind. They were shocking, because I’ve never once believed that I couldn’t have kids. Now, I’m not naive to the fact that, for some, children never become a reality, but I guess I just never realized that so many people see infertility as something hopeless or definite. Infertility is challenging and extremely complicated,…

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  • Grief,  Miscarriage

    A Month of Un-Pregnant

    It seems like an eternity ago that our baby left my body. It’s been a month. A month of starting over. A month of numbness alternating with breathtaking heartache. I never knew how intense grief could be. How unexpectedly it could crash through at any moment. It’s been a month of emptiness. Of silence within me. I never knew how hollow I could feel, knowing that life was replaced with death, which was replaced with nothing. It’s been a month of learning to open up. Of learning to tell myself it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let people see you cry. It’s okay to be vulnerable with the ones…

  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    Moving Forward

    After years of not being able to ovulate, let alone get pregnant, 2017 was a year of solutions and answers (among other things). It was the year that I discovered the keys to balancing my hormones–Whole30 and Ovasitol. It was the year that we celebrated and lost three pregnancies. In a way, we had a lot of progress. Physically, I would feel better continuing to TTC right away. We’ve come so far–I don’t want to quit even for a few months. Emotionally, though, I know I couldn’t handle being pregnant again right now. 2017 was also the year I decided to go back to school. I got rid of my…