• Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Fertility Products and Resources

    Ovulation Double Check by MFB Fertility

    I won an awesome giveaway from MFB Fertility during National Infertility Awareness Week, and I wanted to share a bit about the amazing, revolutionary product I received! This post is not sponsored. If you have PCOS, then you might know that traditional ovulation tests (OPKs) aren’t always reliable. I’ve not used OPKs in years, but when I did, they never worked for me. This is because women with PCOS often have high LH (the hormone that is measured by an OPK), without ovulation actually happening. This can be very confusing and frustrating when you’re TTC, especially if you have long cycles. That’s why I’m so glad that there’s a product…

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  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    On Taking A Break

    It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again. Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant. Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat……

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 4: After

    This is the final part of my D&C story. To read the previous parts, follow the links below: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Once home, we grabbed the mail. One of the items was a baby registry magazine from Target (don’t you love irony?) I tossed it onto the kitchen table, with the intentions of burning it later. I also had a package waiting on me–a beautiful picture frame to keep our ultrasound photos in. I opened it, and read the words “Planted on Earth to Bloom in Heaven”. That was the first time I cried, realizing that our baby was gone and I was empty. Then we both…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 3: The Surgery

    This is Part 3 of my D&C story. You can read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here. Once the consent forms were signed, everything went by so quickly. I was moved into a different part of the hospital where they began to prepare me for the surgery. They put in an IV, and hooked me up to some monitors. I honestly don’t even know everything that they were doing. Several people came around asking me questions about allergies, my blood type, etc., and explaining the different things that were going to happen. Two different anesthesiologists gave me the rundown on what they would be doing. My husband was able…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 2: In The ER

    This is Part 2 of my D&C story. To read Part 1, click here. The nurse tried three times to get a reading on my blood pressure. It was low. My husband had to relay most of the information to the nurses for me–I could only speak in the moments between cramps. I had my eyes closed most of the time…still keeping the cold washcloth over my forehead. I had no more nausea, but the dizziness was taking over. After a few minutes in triage, they moved me to a room. As I changed into a gown, I realized that I wasn’t wearing a bra. I laid in the bed,…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 1: Before

    This is Part 1 of my D&C story. Parts 2-4 will be published in the following days. This week started out on a wild note, to put it mildly. Monday I had an appointment with my doctor. It was over two weeks since we’d found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat, and I still hadn’t really started the physical miscarriage process yet. I’d had some mild bleeding and cramps off and on for about a week, but nothing else. Actually, let’s back it up to a few days before my appointment. My doctor called me with my second blood work results. The day we learned of our baby’s…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnancy Update: Weeks 5-6

    I’ve been finishing up the semester of school and working my way through finals, so it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I just turned into my 7th week yesterday, so I figured that now would be a good time to talk symptoms and other things before I forget. I’ll try to continue these updates weekly if I can, but for this post it’ll mostly just be catching up. So, where did I leave off? In my last post I shared about my confirmation appointment and my blood work results. Since then, nothing new has really happened, and I’ve just been counting down the days until the ultrasound. It’s really gone…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnant Again.

    There are so many couples who go years without ever seeing those two lines. There are so many couple who go years without answers. So many years of trial and error. Years of one failed treatment after another. We who have walked these roads have such an amazing community. There have been many cycles where the lovely people I met through the infertility community have kept me sane and encouraged me. But what happens when one of us finally cross over to the other side? When we finally get our miracle? For the most part, the infertility community is very supportive of those who are able to beat infertility. But…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage

    The Holidays After Miscarriage

    Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and the holiday season has been in full swing for a couple weeks now. Since my grandmother passed away nearly five years ago, this time of year has been hard. I still remember the last birthday we celebrated with her, just before she died. Traditions haven’t been the same since then, and the joy of the holidays have been tinged with a bit of sorrow. This year, though, I find that I’m having a much harder time than usual. There are a lot of family things going on right now that have put a damper on this holiday season. Everything seems to really be piling on, weighing…