• Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Even Now

    Hey, everyone! Just a quick update to say I have added a new design to Bonfire. This one will be available for 2 weeks and will also arrive in time for Mother’s Day. Click here or on the pictures to check it out! Here’s why I created this shirt: When I was going through my first miscarriage, I found great comfort in the story of Lazarus. Facing the death of her brother, Martha’s faith shone through as she told Jesus, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” (John 11:22 ESV). Even Now. Those words were what stood out to me. I prayed…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    On Taking A Break

    It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again. Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant. Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat……

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 4: After

    This is the final part of my D&C story. To read the previous parts, follow the links below: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Once home, we grabbed the mail. One of the items was a baby registry magazine from Target (don’t you love irony?) I tossed it onto the kitchen table, with the intentions of burning it later. I also had a package waiting on me–a beautiful picture frame to keep our ultrasound photos in. I opened it, and read the words “Planted on Earth to Bloom in Heaven”. That was the first time I cried, realizing that our baby was gone and I was empty. Then we both…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 3: The Surgery

    This is Part 3 of my D&C story. You can read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here. Once the consent forms were signed, everything went by so quickly. I was moved into a different part of the hospital where they began to prepare me for the surgery. They put in an IV, and hooked me up to some monitors. I honestly don’t even know everything that they were doing. Several people came around asking me questions about allergies, my blood type, etc., and explaining the different things that were going to happen. Two different anesthesiologists gave me the rundown on what they would be doing. My husband was able…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 2: In The ER

    This is Part 2 of my D&C story. To read Part 1, click here. The nurse tried three times to get a reading on my blood pressure. It was low. My husband had to relay most of the information to the nurses for me–I could only speak in the moments between cramps. I had my eyes closed most of the time…still keeping the cold washcloth over my forehead. I had no more nausea, but the dizziness was taking over. After a few minutes in triage, they moved me to a room. As I changed into a gown, I realized that I wasn’t wearing a bra. I laid in the bed,…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 1: Before

    This is Part 1 of my D&C story. Parts 2-4 will be published in the following days. This week started out on a wild note, to put it mildly. Monday I had an appointment with my doctor. It was over two weeks since we’d found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat, and I still hadn’t really started the physical miscarriage process yet. I’d had some mild bleeding and cramps off and on for about a week, but nothing else. Actually, let’s back it up to a few days before my appointment. My doctor called me with my second blood work results. The day we learned of our baby’s…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Our Baby Had A Heartbeat

    This has been the hardest week of my life. And I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. We had so much hope. We never thought we’d experience a third loss in a row. On December 18th, we had our first ultrasound. I was so nervous, and we were in the waiting room for over an hour. When we were finally called back, the ultrasound technician was so happy and positive. She was with us during our last loss, and it was obvious how excited for us she was. As the ultrasound began, I held my breath…but quickly exhaled when I saw a big black spot–the gestational sac!…