• Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Our Baby Had A Heartbeat

    This has been the hardest week of my life. And I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. We had so much hope. We never thought we’d experience a third loss in a row. On December 18th, we had our first ultrasound. I was so nervous, and we were in the waiting room for over an hour. When we were finally called back, the ultrasound technician was so happy and positive. She was with us during our last loss, and it was obvious how excited for us she was. As the ultrasound began, I held my breath…but quickly exhaled when I saw a big black spot–the gestational sac!…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnancy Update: Weeks 5-6

    I’ve been finishing up the semester of school and working my way through finals, so it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I just turned into my 7th week yesterday, so I figured that now would be a good time to talk symptoms and other things before I forget. I’ll try to continue these updates weekly if I can, but for this post it’ll mostly just be catching up. So, where did I leave off? In my last post I shared about my confirmation appointment and my blood work results. Since then, nothing new has really happened, and I’ve just been counting down the days until the ultrasound. It’s really gone…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnant Again.

    There are so many couples who go years without ever seeing those two lines. There are so many couple who go years without answers. So many years of trial and error. Years of one failed treatment after another. We who have walked these roads have such an amazing community. There have been many cycles where the lovely people I met through the infertility community have kept me sane and encouraged me. But what happens when one of us finally cross over to the other side? When we finally get our miracle? For the most part, the infertility community is very supportive of those who are able to beat infertility. But…

  • Faith,  Infertility

    The Lies That Infertility Tells

    The other night was a hard one. It was one of those instances where something sets you off, and a storm of negativity and hopelessness follows. With infertility comes so many strong emotions–uncontrollable at times. I’m sure someone can relate to not only having these negative emotions and all the hopeless thoughts that they bring, but also to feeling guilty and helpless to stop the feelings. In the middle of my breakdown, many lies entered my thoughts–and I knew that they were lies. But even though I knew it, I had a hard time remembering the truth. You see, just identifying the thoughts as lies is not enough. Those lies…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    I Have No Self-Control (I’m Pregnant!)

    Yesterday I wrote about my two week wait symptoms, and said that I would be testing at 14DPO. Well, it’s 12DPO today…and I tested. And. it. was. POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!! What???? What?!!! WHAT! That’s literally all I’ve been able to say today. That, and “What the heck” and “I can’t believe it”. Oh my goodness, I really can’t believe it. But it’s there. It doesn’t even seem real. It’s such a weird feeling, and I just can’t believe that it finally happened! I want to document this while it’s still fresh in my mind. So, here’s the story of me finding out that I am PREGNANT! My husband had to run down…