• Grief,  Infertility,  Life After Loss,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A letter to myself, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

    A letter to myself. To the version of myself going through recurrent miscarriages: Let me just cut to the ending, because I know you can’t stand the suspense (if this were a movie, you’d be googling the plot by now): you have a son! He’s healthy, he’s aliveā€¦ He’s here. Now that you know how this ends, let’s go back to where you are now. I see you, sitting on the floor of the porch. It’s nearly spring, but it’s cold. A mix of snow and rain coat every surface. You feel anything but cold, as hot tears fall. They won’t stop, and you don’t know if they ever will.…

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  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Even Now

    Hey, everyone! Just a quick update to say I have added a new design to Bonfire. This one will be available for 2 weeks and will also arrive in time for Mother’s Day. Click here or on the pictures to check it out! Here’s why I created this shirt: When I was going through my first miscarriage, I found great comfort in the story of Lazarus. Facing the death of her brother, Martha’s faith shone through as she told Jesus, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” (John 11:22 ESV). Even Now. Those words were what stood out to me. I prayed…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Fertility Products and Resources

    Ovulation Double Check by MFB Fertility

    I won an awesome giveaway from MFB Fertility during National Infertility Awareness Week, and I wanted to share a bit about the amazing, revolutionary product I received! This post is not sponsored. If you have PCOS, then you might know that traditional ovulation tests (OPKs) aren’t always reliable. I’ve not used OPKs in years, but when I did, they never worked for me. This is because women with PCOS often have high LH (the hormone that is measured by an OPK), without ovulation actually happening. This can be very confusing and frustrating when you’re TTC, especially if you have long cycles. That’s why I’m so glad that there’s a product…

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  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    On Taking A Break

    It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again. Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant. Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat……

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Our Baby Had A Heartbeat

    This has been the hardest week of my life. And I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. We had so much hope. We never thought we’d experience a third loss in a row. On December 18th, we had our first ultrasound. I was so nervous, and we were in the waiting room for over an hour. When we were finally called back, the ultrasound technician was so happy and positive. She was with us during our last loss, and it was obvious how excited for us she was. As the ultrasound began, I held my breath…but quickly exhaled when I saw a big black spot–the gestational sac!…

  • Life Updates,  Pregnancy

    Pregnant Again.

    There are so many couples who go years without ever seeing those two lines. There are so many couple who go years without answers. So many years of trial and error. Years of one failed treatment after another. We who have walked these roads have such an amazing community. There have been many cycles where the lovely people I met through the infertility community have kept me sane and encouraged me. But what happens when one of us finally cross over to the other side? When we finally get our miracle? For the most part, the infertility community is very supportive of those who are able to beat infertility. But…

  • Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Clarity About March

    If you’re a new reader, you might not know what happened in March. I’ve linked the posts below, but I’ll also be giving a brief rundown of the events. Posts About March 2017 Ovulation Two Week Wait BFP Is It A Chemical Pregnancy? What happened in March? March 30, 2017 was the first time I saw those two little lines. I did a cute little announcement to let my husband know that I was pregnant, and we celebrated! Unfortunately, our joy was short lived, because two days later I got several negative pregnancy tests. That was pretty devastating, but the events that followed were especially torturous. I made an appointment…

  • Infertility

    Infertility Is Not Your Fault

    In one of my last posts, I wrote about letting go of the guilt that surrounds infertility. This post is somewhat along the same lines. This week I had an ovarian cyst rupture. It was ridiculously painful, and my poor husband was terrified. It had been nine years since that had last happened, so I forgot how bad it could be. After I realized what was happening, I managed the pain as I’ve learned to do, and made an appointment to be sure everything was okay. By the time I went in for my ultrasound the next day, the pain had greatly subsided. The ultrasound tech confirmed what had happened…