• Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    still a mother?

    When I initially saw this shirt on The Wild Ones‘ Instagram, I loved it. I love that it was created specifically for loss mamas, and that part of the proceeds go towards raising awareness for pregnancy and infant loss. So I ordered it and was so excited for it to arrive. I expected to be just as excited to open the package and try it on. But looking at my reflection just made me sad. There are countless opinions on what exactly makes someone a mother and when. So many pregnant women are referred to as “mom-to-be”. They spend Mother’s Day with a little life growing inside, and talk about…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Thoughts After My Fourth Miscarriage

    I’m still in a bit of disbelief that this is our experience. It never gets easier, but I’ve grown and gained new understanding through each loss. These are some thoughts I’ve had while going through our most recent loss. On finding out From the moment I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time, I felt like I was holding my breath. I was hopeful and happy, but I was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted to stay positive, but my first thoughts weren’t “we’re having a baby in nine months.” My first thoughts were “I wonder how it will end this time.” This is…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A year ago I learned of you, a year ago I lost you.

    Last year, on October 2nd, I learned that you existed. I knew before I really knew. I knew that there would be two lines on the test. The two week wait turned into a three week wait as I tested negative again and again. I should have known it wasn’t a good sign. But I knew you were there, even before you made yourself known. And I had hope. During those weeks, I bought a maternity shirt that reads “baby”. I bought it right after getting another negative result. I don’t know why I did. But I wore that shirt to bed nearly every night. I wore a smile, too.…

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  • Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Desperate

    I have a confession. It’s something I’m not proud of. It’s something my husband doesn’t even know… I’ve taken just over 100 pregnancy tests since July. That wasn’t a typo. While it’s not an exact number, it’s not an exaggeration. One hundred pregnancy tests. In less than three months. In the TTC community, many of us joke around about being POAS (pee on a stick) addicts. My life since July, since we’ve started trying again, has been a scary version of that. I’m ashamed to even be admitting this, because I know how ridiculous it is. And let’s not even talk about how much money was wasted. A majority (75,…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  PCOS

    NIAW 2018 #flipthescript: At least…

    Unfortunately, this year pregnancy loss became part of our journey. For years, all I wanted was to see those two pink lines. When I finally did, it was a huge victory. I had some of those “at least” thoughts, too…I was relieved to know it was possible. But, please, listen when I say that there is NOTHING comforting or reassuring about losing every baby you conceive. Yes, our losses gave us some information, but they left us with even more questions, grief, and fear. There is no “at least”.

  • Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  PCOS

    NIAW 2018 #flipthescript: You Can’t Have Kids

    It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and this year’s theme is #flipthescript! So I’m going to be sharing a bit about some common misconceptions about infertility that I’ve encountered this past year. “…Since you can’t have kids” I don’t even remember the whole conversation that occurred when these words were said to me, but they echo in my mind. They were shocking, because I’ve never once believed that I couldn’t have kids. Now, I’m not naive to the fact that, for some, children never become a reality, but I guess I just never realized that so many people see infertility as something hopeless or definite. Infertility is challenging and extremely complicated,…

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  • Grief,  Miscarriage

    A Month of Un-Pregnant

    It seems like an eternity ago that our baby left my body. It’s been a month. A month of starting over. A month of numbness alternating with breathtaking heartache. I never knew how intense grief could be. How unexpectedly it could crash through at any moment. It’s been a month of emptiness. Of silence within me. I never knew how hollow I could feel, knowing that life was replaced with death, which was replaced with nothing. It’s been a month of learning to open up. Of learning to tell myself it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let people see you cry. It’s okay to be vulnerable with the ones…

  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    On Taking A Break

    It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again. Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant. Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat……