Around the time that Carl and I got engaged, there was a song I was drawn to, called “All of Me” by Matt Hammitt. I know it was written from a father to a child, but the message of commitment and selfless love made me think of our relationship. The first time I had Carl listen to it was in his driveway on a starry, snow-covered night. It played from my phone and we danced to the words, “You’re gonna have all of me, cause you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough–enough to mend your broken heart. But giving you all of me is where I’ll start.” When the song ended, he got down on one knee and pulled out a ring. It was such a beautiful moment and song. But I never knew how much the words would resonate with me after the past two years of recurrent pregnancy loss.
“Afraid to love something that could break, could I move on if you were torn away? And I’m so close to what I can’t control. I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.”
How many times, in each new pregnancy, have I been afraid to love a baby that I knew had no guarantee of staying? How many times have I held back a part of my heart, fearing the pain that would come if the worst were to happen again?
“I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms. I won’t let pain keep you from my heart. I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose for every moment I’ll share with you.”
How many times have I let the pain keep me from fully embracing each baby for the short amounts of time they were with us? How much have I let sadness nearly stop me from pressing on towards the goal of having a living baby in our arms?
The first time we were expecting, it was so easy to jump into loving that little one. Life changed instantly, and we embraced it without any hesitation. But with each loss and each new pregnancy, it became harder to fully invest our hearts, because we knew exactly how they could be shattered.
“Let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed. You’re worth all of me.”
That line hit me yesterday in a tangible way. So often we want to protect our hearts, especially when we’ve been hurt before. But suddenly, I knew that we’re not meant to.
Today, during our Easter service, we sang the song “Reckless Love”. And finally, I connected with the way God, our father, loves us. Because I know that kind of love–the kind that puts your own heart at risk for the sake of the beloved. Suddenly, I knew that I could step up to the task to recklessly love our children, fully, always, no matter how it could hurt my own heart.
How many times have I heard that this is how God loves us? How His love is so great, that He gave His own life, knowing the pain it would cause Him? How many times have I been told that His love is steadfast, regardless of How many times we let Him down or reject Him? Even through His own heartache? But today, suddenly, I understand how He loves us, and how we are to love each other.