Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again.
Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant.
Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat… If everything is good with that, there’s even more waiting.
And I’m not ready for (hopefully) nine months of holding my breath and waiting.
I wish we could pick up where we left off, but we can’t. And that’s frustrating. And maddening. We’re not ready to start over. We were ready for nine months of waiting and holding our breath the first time. And the second time. And especially the third time…
I know that when the time comes again, we’ll be more than willing and thrilled to hold our breath. To wait. To be brave. But I also know that right now, we (thankfully) have the ability to take this break. To let ourselves breathe. To still wait. To do the hard thing–the right thing. We don’t have to put ourselves through all the uncertainty and fear again right now. We can heal.
I’m beginning to realize that just because something is right doesn’t mean it’s easy.
It’s so hard. Harder than I thought it would be. It’s been five and a half years since we’ve actively prevented pregnancy. It’s a weird adjustment. Last year we made a lot of progress. We got a lot of answers. We figured out what it takes to make me ovulate. But now there are a lot of new questions, and we’re currently doing nothing to get answers.
Not having answers isn’t what makes this so hard, though. What makes this so hard is that we don’t have a chance at welcoming our rainbow…and we don’t know when we will. Sure, we have plans to reevaluate in the spring. Then again in the summer if we still aren’t ready. But we don’t know for sure when we’ll be ready to take a chance again. This break is good for us, but trying again will be good.
Even though it’s scary to think of trying again…to think of possibly having another loss, I know we will go through anything and everything until we have our babies here with us. And that’s what makes it hard…that we know we want to fight, but we’re choosing to regroup first. I’m proud of that decision. I know it’s what’s right for right now. Because even though all I want is to be pregnant again, I want to be whole first. I want to see those two lines, and be able to celebrate in spite of the fear. I want to exhale, and be brave through the waiting. I want to embrace the uncertainty, and savor every moment we get with our little one.
And right now, I know I can’t do any of those things.
Because it takes time to grieve, and it takes time to heal. I don’t know how much time it takes. I don’t know when we’ll be ready to fight. I don’t know when bravery will outweigh fear. I don’t know when we’ll be strong enough to risk our hearts again. But we’re doing the best we can. And I know one day we’ll wake up and realize that we don’t need anymore time…that we’re ready. And we’ll fight.
Until then, though…this sucks.