There are so many couples who go years without ever seeing those two lines.
There are so many couple who go years without answers.
So many years of trial and error.
Years of one failed treatment after another.
We who have walked these roads have such an amazing community. There have been many cycles where the lovely people I met through the infertility community have kept me sane and encouraged me. But what happens when one of us finally cross over to the other side? When we finally get our miracle?
For the most part, the infertility community is very supportive of those who are able to beat infertility. But as things have changed for me and my fertility this year, I’m feeling a little out of place. I don’t know if I still fit into this community.
For all of my teenage years (plus some), I dealt with symptoms of undiagnosed PCOS. I was told by many doctors that I’d need medical intervention to get pregnant in the future. Even once I got my diagnosis, I was still told that medical intervention was my only option.
This year, though, it seems like a switch has been flipped in my body. For nearly five years of marriage and trying to conceive, no babies came. Not even a hint of two lines on a pregnancy test. Until March… Then again in October…
And just yesterday, on Thanksgiving Day, I saw those two lines for the third time in my life. I am pregnant again!
With my previous pregnancies, I attributed them to the diet and supplement changes I made. With this pregnancy, I honestly cannot give anyone or anything the credit besides God. After my miscarriage in October, I was so devastated. I wasn’t doing supplements. I wasn’t watching what I ate. I wasn’t tracking ovulation. When I got the positive, I really couldn’t pinpoint when we would have conceived. I still don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing it was November 8th.
And as thankful as I am, as scared as I am, there is another emotion that has surprised me: guilt. I feel guilty that this is my third pregnancy this year, while so many others never get the chance to carry life…even for the brief amounts of time that I have. I feel guilty that my fertility is obviously changing, while so many in this community that I love so much are still walking through unanswered questions, devastations, bad news, and frustrating doctor appointments. I feel like everything it took me to get to this point shouldn’t matter. That even though I’ve lost two babies, and this pregnancy is still very early on…I don’t have a right to acknowledge my struggles.
I’m hesitant to even share this. I know how infuriating it can be to read or hear stories of previously infertile women who suddenly and unexpectedly conceived during a break. “I guess I really did just need to stop thinking about it,” they say. Or, “I used to hate when people told me to just relax, but I guess it actually does work!” That kind of an attitude is so unrealistic, and it’s insulting to the hard battle that so many of us have fought or are still fighting.
But that’s not what I’m doing here. I know that my story is not typical. I know that my story is extremely mild. I know that diet changes don’t work for everyone. I know that supplements don’t work for everyone. I know that I am the exception and not the rule. I know that this is a miracle above all else. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that my struggle was/is mild. I am thankful that I can finally get pregnant.
Infertility and PCOS will always be part of my story, but I believe that I am no longer infertile. God is so good! He has completely opened the floodgates, performed so many miracles! I am so thankful. Even though this baby is not YET in our arms (please be lifting us up in prayer!), I feel like I have overcome infertility. I know we have a long road still, but it seems less rocky than the roads we’ve walked to this point.
And to those still looking for answers, looking for the right doctor, going through the trial and error…I am always thinking of and praying for you.
As a quick update on this pregnancy so far…there’s not much to report.
The lines are faint, but getting darker. I haven’t yet had an appointment, but plan to go to the doctor next week. (Honestly, I’m terrified to go.)
Symptoms include: frequent urination, sore breasts, very sleepy, decreased appetite.
I didn’t have any implantation spotting this time. Not sure if that’s a good sign, but it’s different from the previous two pregnancies.