Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

I thought it was over…and now it is. (Second Pregnancy/Loss)

This is the story of what happened during the September cycle.

I first suspected that I ovulated around September 12th. My cervical fluid was fertile, then dried up–and once that happened, my boobs began to hurt. I had an appointment ten days later, and told my doctor what I was experiencing. I was still having signs of high progesterone, so she ordered a blood test to see if it could confirm ovulation. The test came back at 19.2, which was the confirmation I was hoping for!

I took many pregnancy tests, and they were all negative. I started having some issues with sciatica, which I deal with chronically. I went to the (regular) doctor on September 28th, and before she prescribed steroids to help, she did a pregnancy test. It was negative. Two days later, on September 30th, I started having some brown spotting. I thought my period was on the way. Then it stopped.

On October 2nd, I had no more spotting. I was suspicious when I had to use the restroom three times during my evening classes (very unusual), so I got a few pregnancy tests on the way home.

As soon as I got home, I took one. It was one of those eighty-eight cent ones from Walmart. My urine was very diluted, and I had just used the restroom about an hour and a half before this. As the test developed, I could see a very faint second line. I went to my husband and asked if he could see it, too. He could. The test got darker as it dried.

An hour later I took a First Response, and the second line came up quickly and darker than the first test! I showed my husband. We didn’t want to get too excited, and I decided I would wait until the morning to take another First Response. The next morning, I got another positive–and it was slightly darker than the night before.

I went to my morning class, pretending like nothing was happening, and picked up a box of digitals on my way home. As soon as I got home, with diluted urine, I dipped the digital. I was quite reassured when the word “Pregnant” popped up. I called my doctor at that point, and they made an appointment for the next day.

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At the appointment, they confirmed with a urine test, and ordered a blood test. I got my blood test results back several days later–HCG: 28. They said it was “very low”, and were asking about my last menstrual period, which was July 27th. The doctor that I usually see knows when I ovulated, and knows when I had what was likely implantation spotting. But the doctor reading my results seemed very negative about my HCG levels. He ordered another blood test to be done immediately.

I still haven’t received the results from that test, but last night I started bleeding. And cramping.

Update: those results finally came in–two days after I started miscarrying. HCG was 19.

This morning, October 9th, I went in to the doctor and they did an ultrasound. Nothing was there. My lining was very thick, and she said it looked like it was getting ready to shed. They did a urine test. It was negative. Everything was a blur as they talked me through what to expect through the next couple weeks. They ordered another blood test, and I’ll have to continue getting them done until my HCG is back to zero. (Update: HCG was already back to zero that day.)

I was not prepared for any of this. Ovulation was a surprise. This pregnancy was a surprise. It was a miracle, and I thought that meant it would last. I wasn’t ready for bad news. I wasn’t ready for this (physical and emotional) pain. I wasn’t ready for this to be over, but here I am…losing this miracle baby.

It was a long cycle, with late ovulation and late implantation. I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming. I got my hopes up, but I don’t regret that. For some reason, I feel so much peace through the pain. I’m sure that has everything to do with everyone who is praying for me. I am still thankful that this baby was with us for even a few weeks. I still believe that this was a miracle, as hard as this is to go through.

I’m not sure where to go from here, or what comes after this. But I have hope.

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