Infertility,  Miscarriage

Desperate

I have a confession.

It’s something I’m not proud of.

It’s something my husband doesn’t even know…

I’ve taken just over 100 pregnancy tests since July.

That wasn’t a typo.

While it’s not an exact number, it’s not an exaggeration.

One hundred pregnancy tests.

In less than three months.


In the TTC community, many of us joke around about being POAS (pee on a stick) addicts. My life since July, since we’ve started trying again, has been a scary version of that. I’m ashamed to even be admitting this, because I know how ridiculous it is. And let’s not even talk about how much money was wasted. A majority (75, to be exact) of the tests were the bulk internet cheapies, but STILL…

Towards the end of our break, I could only think about trying again. Once July hit, I just KNEW that I was going to be pregnant soon. I NEEDED to be pregnant again. I could no longer accept not being pregnant. I was desperate.

So, the testing obsession begun. Like I was willing two lines to appear before me. Convincing myself that if I just wait another four hours, another two days, it’ll be positive…

But it never was.

I had lost all rational thought. I had lost all self-control. I didn’t expect to be so desperate. I didn’t care. I just needed to be pregnant again.


Something shifted in me this cycle. Another anovulatory cycle. I stopped searching for ovulation. I didn’t hope anymore. I stopped testing. I didn’t care anymore. My husband and I talked. He doesn’t see exactly how crazy I’ve been. He doesn’t know the thoughts that consume every waking moment…

Am I pregnant? Am I getting ready to ovulate? Am I getting my period? Why couldn’t our babies have stayed? Were they even real? Did I ever carry life, or was it just a dream? When will I be due if we conceive today? How old will I be when I finally give birth? Will it ever be our turn? What if we never conceive again? What if I only ever lose our babies? What if we never get the opportunity to adopt? What if I get pregnant right now and decide I don’t want to continue school? What if we never have children and still love our life? What if there’s something else wrong with me? What if there’s something wrong with him?

It never ends.

I didn’t know how to stop the obsession, but something shifted in me once I got this all out in the open. At first I thought I stopped caring. I thought I was giving up.

Then I realized that I’m just not desperate anymore.

My desperation was not really about pregnancy. It was about control. I needed to hang on to the last remaining illusion of control over building our family. All I’ve ever wanted was to get married and have kids. I’m thankful to have acquired some additional goals along the way, and I’m happy with where my life is heading. I’m excited about all the things I want to accomplish, about all the things I’ve been called to do. God has answered so many prayers…He’s brought us to things that we’ve prayed for for YEARS. I still believe that we will have kids, but I’ve finally accepted that it is not going to look like I’d always hoped and imagined. And that’s okay.

I’m not going to be a young mom. I can’t change that or control that. It’s entirely possible that I’ll be in my 30s before we bring home a baby. And that’s okay.

Our family isn’t going to be complete before we’re 30. And that’s okay.

We may never bring home a biological baby. That’s okay.

We would find a way to thrive and be happy without children. That’s okay, too.

We are still trying to grow our family. We are still praying for our children. We are hopeful for the future. We have faith that God will fulfill this desire He’s given us. And now, I’m ready to accept whatever way (in whatever time) He decides to fulfill it.

I am no longer desperate.

I can finally rest.