Pregnancy

  • Grief,  Infertility,  Life After Loss,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A letter to myself, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

    A letter to myself. To the version of myself going through recurrent miscarriages: Let me just cut to the ending, because I know you can’t stand the suspense (if this were a movie, you’d be googling the plot by now): you have a son! He’s healthy, he’s aliveā€¦ He’s here. Now that you know how this ends, let’s go back to where you are now. I see you, sitting on the floor of the porch. It’s nearly spring, but it’s cold. A mix of snow and rain coat every surface. You feel anything but cold, as hot tears fall. They won’t stop, and you don’t know if they ever will.…

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  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Even Now

    Hey, everyone! Just a quick update to say I have added a new design to Bonfire. This one will be available for 2 weeks and will also arrive in time for Mother’s Day. Click here or on the pictures to check it out! Here’s why I created this shirt: When I was going through my first miscarriage, I found great comfort in the story of Lazarus. Facing the death of her brother, Martha’s faith shone through as she told Jesus, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” (John 11:22 ESV). Even Now. Those words were what stood out to me. I prayed…

  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Every Mother Honored

    I never really thought much about Mother’s Day until we started trying to conceive. It was always a big deal, especially having grown up in church. Sermons were given on the importance of motherhood. Women who were easily identified as mothers were asked to stand. On the way out, flowers and candy were distributed to the worthy. It always seemed like a sweet, simple way to honor the mothers who do much thankless work, and it is. But as I struggled to conceive and carry a baby to term, it became apparent that Mother’s Day is anything but simple. Bitterness, shame, grief, regret, anger, disappointment, annoyance…these are the emotions that…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Reckless Love

    Around the time that Carl and I got engaged, there was a song I was drawn to, called “All of Me” by Matt Hammitt. I know it was written from a father to a child, but the message of commitment and selfless love made me think of our relationship. The first time I had Carl listen to it was in his driveway on a starry, snow-covered night. It played from my phone and we danced to the words, “You’re gonna have all of me, cause you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough–enough to mend your broken…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Thoughts After My Fourth Miscarriage

    I’m still in a bit of disbelief that this is our experience. It never gets easier, but I’ve grown and gained new understanding through each loss. These are some thoughts I’ve had while going through our most recent loss. On finding out From the moment I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time, I felt like I was holding my breath. I was hopeful and happy, but I was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted to stay positive, but my first thoughts weren’t “we’re having a baby in nine months.” My first thoughts were “I wonder how it will end this time.” This is…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A year ago I learned of you, a year ago I lost you.

    Last year, on October 2nd, I learned that you existed. I knew before I really knew. I knew that there would be two lines on the test. The two week wait turned into a three week wait as I tested negative again and again. I should have known it wasn’t a good sign. But I knew you were there, even before you made yourself known. And I had hope. During those weeks, I bought a maternity shirt that reads “baby”. I bought it right after getting another negative result. I don’t know why I did. But I wore that shirt to bed nearly every night. I wore a smile, too.…

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  • Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A Pregnancy Loss is NOT a “Heavy Period”

    I know that every pregnancy loss is different. Depending on a lot of different things, the physical process might very well just be like a heavy period. However, I think that doctors could and should do a better job of preparing women for all of the possible realities of what pregnancy loss can include. Aside from the physical experience being different from a heavy period, the emotional aspect is clearly different as well. A pregnancy loss is not just the passing of blood and tissue. It’s the loss of a life. It’s death and birth all in one moment. To call that a “heavy period”, to equate it with a…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 4: After

    This is the final part of my D&C story. To read the previous parts, follow the links below: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Once home, we grabbed the mail. One of the items was a baby registry magazine from Target (don’t you love irony?) I tossed it onto the kitchen table, with the intentions of burning it later. I also had a package waiting on me–a beautiful picture frame to keep our ultrasound photos in. I opened it, and read the words “Planted on Earth to Bloom in Heaven”. That was the first time I cried, realizing that our baby was gone and I was empty. Then we both…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 3: The Surgery

    This is Part 3 of my D&C story. You can read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here. Once the consent forms were signed, everything went by so quickly. I was moved into a different part of the hospital where they began to prepare me for the surgery. They put in an IV, and hooked me up to some monitors. I honestly don’t even know everything that they were doing. Several people came around asking me questions about allergies, my blood type, etc., and explaining the different things that were going to happen. Two different anesthesiologists gave me the rundown on what they would be doing. My husband was able…

  • Life Updates,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    My D&C Part 2: In The ER

    This is Part 2 of my D&C story. To read Part 1, click here. The nurse tried three times to get a reading on my blood pressure. It was low. My husband had to relay most of the information to the nurses for me–I could only speak in the moments between cramps. I had my eyes closed most of the time…still keeping the cold washcloth over my forehead. I had no more nausea, but the dizziness was taking over. After a few minutes in triage, they moved me to a room. As I changed into a gown, I realized that I wasn’t wearing a bra. I laid in the bed,…