Infertility

  • Grief,  Infertility,  Life After Loss,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A letter to myself, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

    A letter to myself. To the version of myself going through recurrent miscarriages: Let me just cut to the ending, because I know you can’t stand the suspense (if this were a movie, you’d be googling the plot by now): you have a son! He’s healthy, he’s alive… He’s here. Now that you know how this ends, let’s go back to where you are now. I see you, sitting on the floor of the porch. It’s nearly spring, but it’s cold. A mix of snow and rain coat every surface. You feel anything but cold, as hot tears fall. They won’t stop, and you don’t know if they ever will.…

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  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Even Now

    Hey, everyone! Just a quick update to say I have added a new design to Bonfire. This one will be available for 2 weeks and will also arrive in time for Mother’s Day. Click here or on the pictures to check it out! Here’s why I created this shirt: When I was going through my first miscarriage, I found great comfort in the story of Lazarus. Facing the death of her brother, Martha’s faith shone through as she told Jesus, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” (John 11:22 ESV). Even Now. Those words were what stood out to me. I prayed…

  • Faith,  Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Every Mother Honored

    I never really thought much about Mother’s Day until we started trying to conceive. It was always a big deal, especially having grown up in church. Sermons were given on the importance of motherhood. Women who were easily identified as mothers were asked to stand. On the way out, flowers and candy were distributed to the worthy. It always seemed like a sweet, simple way to honor the mothers who do much thankless work, and it is. But as I struggled to conceive and carry a baby to term, it became apparent that Mother’s Day is anything but simple. Bitterness, shame, grief, regret, anger, disappointment, annoyance…these are the emotions that…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Reckless Love

    Around the time that Carl and I got engaged, there was a song I was drawn to, called “All of Me” by Matt Hammitt. I know it was written from a father to a child, but the message of commitment and selfless love made me think of our relationship. The first time I had Carl listen to it was in his driveway on a starry, snow-covered night. It played from my phone and we danced to the words, “You’re gonna have all of me, cause you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough–enough to mend your broken…

  • Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    still a mother?

    When I initially saw this shirt on The Wild Ones‘ Instagram, I loved it. I love that it was created specifically for loss mamas, and that part of the proceeds go towards raising awareness for pregnancy and infant loss. So I ordered it and was so excited for it to arrive. I expected to be just as excited to open the package and try it on. But looking at my reflection just made me sad. There are countless opinions on what exactly makes someone a mother and when. So many pregnant women are referred to as “mom-to-be”. They spend Mother’s Day with a little life growing inside, and talk about…

  • Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Desperate

    I have a confession. It’s something I’m not proud of. It’s something my husband doesn’t even know… I’ve taken just over 100 pregnancy tests since July. That wasn’t a typo. While it’s not an exact number, it’s not an exaggeration. One hundred pregnancy tests. In less than three months. In the TTC community, many of us joke around about being POAS (pee on a stick) addicts. My life since July, since we’ve started trying again, has been a scary version of that. I’m ashamed to even be admitting this, because I know how ridiculous it is. And let’s not even talk about how much money was wasted. A majority (75,…

  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  PCOS

    NIAW 2018 #flipthescript: At least…

    Unfortunately, this year pregnancy loss became part of our journey. For years, all I wanted was to see those two pink lines. When I finally did, it was a huge victory. I had some of those “at least” thoughts, too…I was relieved to know it was possible. But, please, listen when I say that there is NOTHING comforting or reassuring about losing every baby you conceive. Yes, our losses gave us some information, but they left us with even more questions, grief, and fear. There is no “at least”.

  • Fertility Products and Resources,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  PCOS

    NIAW 2018 #flipthescript: You Can’t Have Kids

    It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and this year’s theme is #flipthescript! So I’m going to be sharing a bit about some common misconceptions about infertility that I’ve encountered this past year. “…Since you can’t have kids” I don’t even remember the whole conversation that occurred when these words were said to me, but they echo in my mind. They were shocking, because I’ve never once believed that I couldn’t have kids. Now, I’m not naive to the fact that, for some, children never become a reality, but I guess I just never realized that so many people see infertility as something hopeless or definite. Infertility is challenging and extremely complicated,…

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  • Infertility,  Life Updates,  Miscarriage

    On Taking A Break

    It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been nice to not worry about tracking my cycle or symptom spotting. But more than anything, I want to be pregnant again. Or maybe it’s that I wish I was still pregnant. Because I know that if I were to see those two lines again now, I would be so happy. I might even be able to celebrate. But then there’s the waiting. Waiting for the blood work results. And the next blood work results… And if everything is good with that, then there’s more waiting. Waiting for the first ultrasound. Holding my breath while they take measurements and look for a heartbeat……