• Grief,  Infertility,  Life After Loss,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A letter to myself, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

    A letter to myself. To the version of myself going through recurrent miscarriages: Let me just cut to the ending, because I know you can’t stand the suspense (if this were a movie, you’d be googling the plot by now): you have a son! He’s healthy, he’s aliveā€¦ He’s here. Now that you know how this ends, let’s go back to where you are now. I see you, sitting on the floor of the porch. It’s nearly spring, but it’s cold. A mix of snow and rain coat every surface. You feel anything but cold, as hot tears fall. They won’t stop, and you don’t know if they ever will.…

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  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Reckless Love

    Around the time that Carl and I got engaged, there was a song I was drawn to, called “All of Me” by Matt Hammitt. I know it was written from a father to a child, but the message of commitment and selfless love made me think of our relationship. The first time I had Carl listen to it was in his driveway on a starry, snow-covered night. It played from my phone and we danced to the words, “You’re gonna have all of me, cause you’re worth every falling tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough–enough to mend your broken…

  • Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    still a mother?

    When I initially saw this shirt on The Wild Ones‘ Instagram, I loved it. I love that it was created specifically for loss mamas, and that part of the proceeds go towards raising awareness for pregnancy and infant loss. So I ordered it and was so excited for it to arrive. I expected to be just as excited to open the package and try it on. But looking at my reflection just made me sad. There are countless opinions on what exactly makes someone a mother and when. So many pregnant women are referred to as “mom-to-be”. They spend Mother’s Day with a little life growing inside, and talk about…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    Thoughts After My Fourth Miscarriage

    I’m still in a bit of disbelief that this is our experience. It never gets easier, but I’ve grown and gained new understanding through each loss. These are some thoughts I’ve had while going through our most recent loss. On finding out From the moment I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time, I felt like I was holding my breath. I was hopeful and happy, but I was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted to stay positive, but my first thoughts weren’t “we’re having a baby in nine months.” My first thoughts were “I wonder how it will end this time.” This is…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage,  Pregnancy

    A year ago I learned of you, a year ago I lost you.

    Last year, on October 2nd, I learned that you existed. I knew before I really knew. I knew that there would be two lines on the test. The two week wait turned into a three week wait as I tested negative again and again. I should have known it wasn’t a good sign. But I knew you were there, even before you made yourself known. And I had hope. During those weeks, I bought a maternity shirt that reads “baby”. I bought it right after getting another negative result. I don’t know why I did. But I wore that shirt to bed nearly every night. I wore a smile, too.…

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  • Faith,  Grief,  Infertility,  Miscarriage

    Grief and Hope

    With our second baby’s should-have-been-due date coming up, I’ve been having more emotional meltdowns lately. Most of the time I can be positive and hopeful, but a lot of the time I still feel anger and bitterness. That’s how grieving has been for me. Even I have a hard time accepting the reality of these conflicting emotions, so it shouldn’t surprise me that many others don’t understand it either. It’s exhausting trying to open up on the hard days. While there are some great people in my life who know how to truly listen, there are just as many who do not. Some ask how I’m doing, but can’t handle…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage

    A Month of Un-Pregnant

    It seems like an eternity ago that our baby left my body. It’s been a month. A month of starting over. A month of numbness alternating with breathtaking heartache. I never knew how intense grief could be. How unexpectedly it could crash through at any moment. It’s been a month of emptiness. Of silence within me. I never knew how hollow I could feel, knowing that life was replaced with death, which was replaced with nothing. It’s been a month of learning to open up. Of learning to tell myself it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let people see you cry. It’s okay to be vulnerable with the ones…

  • Grief,  Miscarriage

    The Holidays After Miscarriage

    Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and the holiday season has been in full swing for a couple weeks now. Since my grandmother passed away nearly five years ago, this time of year has been hard. I still remember the last birthday we celebrated with her, just before she died. Traditions haven’t been the same since then, and the joy of the holidays have been tinged with a bit of sorrow. This year, though, I find that I’m having a much harder time than usual. There are a lot of family things going on right now that have put a damper on this holiday season. Everything seems to really be piling on, weighing…

  • Grief,  Infertility

    Today I’m Sad

    I could have been six and a half weeks pregnant by now. It’s been over two weeks since my positive pregnancy test, and I still don’t know how to feel. I hate that I’ll never know if it was an early loss or a false positive. I hate that I’m so devastated, but I feel like I don’t have the right to grieve. I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t know why I can’t move on. Some days have been good. I am able to brush off the sadness, telling myself it was just unlucky… That it’s no big deal. Most days I avoid thinking…