Grief,  Miscarriage

A Month of Un-Pregnant

It seems like an eternity ago that our baby left my body.

It’s been a month. A month of starting over. A month of numbness alternating with breathtaking heartache. I never knew how intense grief could be. How unexpectedly it could crash through at any moment.

It’s been a month of emptiness. Of silence within me. I never knew how hollow I could feel, knowing that life was replaced with death, which was replaced with nothing.

It’s been a month of learning to open up. Of learning to tell myself it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let people see you cry. It’s okay to be vulnerable with the ones who care about you.

It’s been a month of sharing. Sharing which words help and which ones hurt. Of letting the world know that grief is natural and necessary. Of telling my story, and honoring our babies.

It’s been a month of healing. A month of realizing that healing takes time…and there’s no limit on how much time. Of realizing that healing and grief are a process and a pair. You carry them with you, not knowing the destination. But the destination isn’t the point.

It’s been a month of being un-pregnant. A month of fading symptoms and hormonal crashes. A month of feeling “normal”, while knowing that “normal” is not what it used to be. A month of remembering where we “should be”, or what “could have been”…

It’s been a month of embracing peace with my body. Of celebrating it for carrying life, even for a short time. Of forgiving it for what it could not do. It’s been a month of releasing the blame and guilt. A month of reconciliation with my body.

It’s been a month of wondering…. About heaven, and our babies who live there. Are they still small like they were when they left us? Are they grown? Are they bright little souls flittering around? Are they being held, loved? Can they see us? Do they know us?

It’s been a month of growth. Of challenging myself, and strengthening my relationships. A month of being thankful that even though our babies aren’t here, they have changed my life in irreplaceable ways. It’s been a month of carrying their purpose within me, since I cannot carry them.

I don’t know what the next month holds, but I’m feeling braver as I walk into it.